September Challenge - Balance and Grace

I had been really excited about the September goal I had planned, mainly because it involved shopping. Even though I haven't had a "back to school" excuse for about 11 years now, glimmers of fall weather still make me want to throw out everything in my closet and start fresh with tweed and tights. And since I actually did come into some unexpected cash thanks to a random gift from my mother-in-law, I thought it could be fun to challenge myself to re-invent "my look" with the greenest options for my budget. Kind of a "Get the Look for Less [Impact]" challenge.

Oh, what fun that would be!

Except.

I can't get into the buying spirit. Haunted by the famine in Somalia, an invite to a benefit dinner for and NGO that works with victims of human trafficking, pictures online of the families in the path of the Carolina storms that watched their houses wash into the surf. I had an existential meltdown on Friday, tried to tack together some calm and balance with a heavy pinch of rationalization and then tried to go shopping Monday. It didn't really work out.

In an almost humorous fashion, my purchasing attempts were thwarted at nearly every turn. As in suddenly there are no cashiers anywhere to be found and all the customers are milling around baffled and annoyed, so I put down my would-be purchases and leave. Or putting a skirt on hold at the first store I visit, walking around for a few more hours, deciding to return to buy it only to find the store had closed early for some reason. Or the Whole Foods-ish store that had EVERY kind of natural makeup I could have wanted, except, you know, the one I wanted. Left again. Got more and more discouraged. Sigh. (In the interest of full disclosure, I did eventually buy 2 things before heading home. And they were not at all green. I like them, but I'm a little disappointed with myself. Hello, emotional buying.)

This Overwhelming Ugh doesn't feel like guilt, really. Because guilt can often be assuaged with a donation here or there. It's like a punch in the stomach. And an ache in my heart. Reflecting on what a freakin' privilege it is to choose an organic wool jacket or some made-from-scratch eye shadow. To choose anything, really. To have a bank account. With money in it. The illusion of safety, the trappings of comfort.

Green with Grace. Grace grace grace grace grace.

Blogfriends, do you think there is a way to balance this? I couldn't shake the idea that maybe the unexpected cash was meant to pad a donation, or buy something for someone who needs it. Can I go half-sies? Sort of a "One for you, One for me" strategy? How do you decide when you "need" something? As in work clothes that allow you to dress your age and your current actual size?

How do you have grace with yourself, while acting boldly and counter-culturally in a world so jam packed with injustice?

Les and I had a pow-wow about all this stuff and he (God bless him) was a total rock star about everything. Of course we want our family to have our eyes on the right prize. And the prize is definitely not "more stuff". Here's what he and I came up with so far after my sob-fest. I'm not listing this to show off how holy and awesome we are. We're totally totally not. You've been reading long enough to know that maybe 22% of my ambitions actually come to any kind of fruition. But maybe by writing them I will be more accountable to actually do them:

1. Invite our friends to an in-person and virtual Letter Writing Party to urge our leaders to make the famine in Somalia and the refugee crisis a priority. Spread the word in FaceBook. Talk to our pastors about addressing it in church.
2. Research some effective non-profits and make a donation.
3. Pray for the people (mostly mothers and children!) who are literally LITERALLY starving to death. Especially whenever we give thanks for our food. Maybe even fast sometimes to do this.
4. Attend the benefit dinner and learn more about human trafficking, and how we can help.
5. Live joyfully, thankfully, and mindfully. Keep thinking of ways to be bold about the stuff that breaks our hearts.

Ok. well, that's a start at least. So my shopping challenge has morphed into a challenge of Balance and Grace. Sorry to be a bit bleak, but, you know, this is where I am this month. I'm sure I'll buy stuff too, but all purchases are going to have to pass a whole checklist of scrutiny before it makes it into my house from now on. That's the plan, anyway. Oh, the best laid plans.