Green, Gray, and Grace: One Year Later

Happy Birthday to Me!

Co-Conspirator Les, Blog Editor-in-Chief AugDog, and me in the closest we could get to a family self-portrait.

One year ago today, I started this new blog with a grand scheme and big goals. The gray hair got the most attention, but that turned out to be the easiest goal to keep (Um, just didn't dye my hair. Pretty easy). A year later, I can honestly say that I'm surprised by the changes that came easily, and the changes that are still grinding away in fits and starts. I thought it would be really traumatic to Embrace the Gray, but it was fun, and I kind of love my hair most days. I thought I would get really into cooking and expand my culinary repertoire and make a bunch of things from scratch. And, naively, I thought the spiritual stuff would sort of magically align as I set goals and mini-goals and plugged away at "being a better person". Laugh with me now: Hahahahahahahahhhahhhaaahha!

Let's check in with what I set out to do last February:

My Goal: By Feb. of 2012, I want:

- To produce fewer bags of trash AND fewer bags of recycling

Reality: I've definitely cut back on a lot of single-use and disposal stuff, but the dent hasn't been huge. Wastefulness was one vice that I really thought would be easier to overhaul once I declared my intent.

- Cook more, buy fewer packaged foods (put more FOOD in my food)

Reality: Yeah, this one was a lot tougher than I thought it would be. Even now that I know that I need to be even more careful about what I put into my body, making the time and space to cook has been a huge challenge.

- To be slimmer and fitter - back under 10 min miles for a 10K

Reality: Turns out, I am no slimmer or fitter than I was in Feb. 2011, and I have probably not run more than about one mile since I wrote that goal. But weirdly, despite my deleterious sluggishness all year, I feel better about my body than I ever have. Hmm.

- Give my gray hair a chance to really rock (let myself be myself)

Reality: I'm rockin the gray, and I love it a lot more than I ever thought I could.

- Re-energize my spiritual life by focusing on gratitude, abundance, and loving my neighbor

Reality: So, um, yeah. I think I have seen some spiritual changes over this year, but not how or where I expected. I thought about Gratitude and Abundance a lot more, but if they only come to mind when you're holding yet another pair of shoes in your hands at Target while you try to talk yourself out of them, I wonder how much spiritual maturity is shining through and how much is just a reality check from your wallet. I certainly put this goal into some sort of passive hope rather than an active pursuit.

- Scrutinize my purchases for their impact on my health, the planet, and my spirit

Reality: I'm pretty satisfied with my progress on this one. I've definitely made some bone-head impulse buys this year, but I've learned a lot about what things are actually made of, and where those ingredients/components/materials come from. It is far easier to put something back on the shelf when you can conjure up a fairly accurate picture of everything that went into it, from the thing itself to the packaging to the shipping to my cart. Still room for improvement (and impulse control), but a marked difference from this time last year.

So... What?

I'm glad - really glad - I took this year to intentionally regroup. I haven't blogged 3 times per week, and I couldn't keep up with the time required to research and write about all the things I really wanted to post. I didn't make it through even half of the projects I hoped to attempt this year, and I can honestly say that I haven't had any seismic shifts in lifestyle or habits. But little things. Ah, those million little things. They add up. They change you. Slowly, maybe, like a steady drip. Some of the biggest changes I have noticed are things that it would be really difficult to blog about. Not difficult to share, but difficult to articulate. Making peace with my body is a Big. Fracking. Deal., and it arrived quietly and uneventfully by way of a thousand drips of acceptance. I guess the hard edges of my body image have softened right along with my thighs. I don't mean to say that I don't care about being in good shape. I do care, and Les and I are setting some goals to get back into running. But whether or not I end up in smaller sized pants by my next birthday is about the farthest thing from my mind. Maybe all of those little gratitudes and gray hairs have taken up the space where my skinny-envy used to live.

And there's a strange kind of freedom and even joy that comes along with scrapping some convention and running face-first into Doing It Your Own Way. Things like the Sock Bottle and the oil method come to mind. When you don't have spendy face wash, body wash, or Pro-V and Silk Protein shampoo to replenish every couple of weeks, you can avoid Target all together. We get most of our personal care products from Whole Foods now, so no special trip for toiletries. And far fewer products in general, just by making a handful of tweaks.

Remember my shower at the beginning of the experiment?

Check it now:

Shampoo, Dr. Bronner's hair softener, soap, and razor.

And my makeup cabinet, Feb. 2011

Make up cabinet now:

Yay for fewer products and less clutter.

Of course, the other Big Reveal is the hair. I got it cut a couple of days ago as the last leg of this yearlong journey. Now my gray goes all the way to the ends of my hair - I had the dry split end part cut off (a good 2 inches), and now I finally do not have any bizarre brown ends at the bottom of my silver slabs. Ta Da! Full-out Gray from root to tip:

The State employee at the North Carolina DMV categorized my hair color as "Sandy", which was very diplomatic of her. I told her that I had just finished up a year of growing out my gray, and she said that it had turned out "a lovely salt-and-pepper. But mostly salt!".

I admit that from straight-on, it doesn't look that impressive. But the top of my head and the sides from my part are pretty remarkably gray...

And even more remarkable, I sort of love it.

I've grown out my gray, I've tried to pare down my products, I've learned a lot about the stuff I consume, but I feel like I'm just getting started! We're in a new place, I have some new Food Rules, and a much MUCH bigger kitchen. And a yard! And a deck just screaming for some vertical gardening. And a heart that is growing sort of weary of trying so hard to "be better".

Maybe 33 was just a ramping up year. Just the ground work for much bigger changes to come. Les and I have been reading a lot of challenging, terrific stuff about faith lately, and I'm excited to make prayer and service and the Bible a priority for 34. You know, the whole Grace part of the experiment that got a bit sidetracked. And I've got a whole new set of dietary considerations to embrace and some space for a garden for the first time EVER in my adult life. So I don't think 34 will be boring. If y'all want to come along for the ride, I'd be happy to have you.

Cheers, and thanks for reading and enjoying the ride with me.

Stress'll Do That To Ya

So we finally moved into our new apartment on Monday. Hooray! Les has been working diligently during the day on the sea of boxes, and I stay up late every night after work to keep unpacking and unpacking and unpacking and....

Whoa. I thought we had a lot of stuff when we PACKED. Unpacking has made this overabundance of stuff even more painfully painful.

And you know how I've been handling this 2 moves in 3 months + new job + new city + health issues + missing my friends?

I've been eating like crap, biting my nails, going to Target twice a week and coming home with MORE STUFF (seriously, What?), and reverting seamlessly back into soda drinking, paper-towel-using, disposable junk buying freakishness.

It's like all of my filters are cluttered with crud, and I can't quite think straight. I contemplate whether or not to run to Starbucks for a latte, even though I've already been twice this week and I don't really need any coffee. And I don't have a lot of extra cash to be throwing around. And I say to myself "yes. I need a latte" and I go. IN MY CAR! Because you have to drive everywhere here.

The only thing keeping me from teetering on the verge of a self-loathing melt down is to remember that I'm legitimately stressed out. And that self-soothing strategies kick in when we're wigging.

I remind myself that I have grand Green plans for this new place. That Les and I have already discussed action steps to use as little water as possible (you have to pay for water here! and it's expensive!), plant an organic garden, and purge purge purge anything that does not pass the "Useful/Lovely" test (see below).

There was one big box looming on the floor last night, and neither of us could remember what was inside. It was marked "HEAVY/FRAGILE". I finally grabbed the scissors and tore into it, scooping out the packing shreds and wrapping and taped protections. Several pieces didn't need to be unwrapped, because they were in bits at the bottom of the box. Completely destroyed. Two of those smashed things were actually quite dear to me. One was a very delicate antique china tea cup with tiny roses sprinkled around it's thin body. It had been in my mom's cabinet, all alone and without a set or saucer. I loved it. It had been wrapped fastidiously, but set too close to bigger, heavier things. It was smashed to smithereens, mom would say. The other obliterated item that nearly brought me to tears has also been very carefully wrapped and set inside a box and wrapped and set inside another box. I don't understand how this one smashed, but there it was, in splinters in its container. My brother in law had made me this ridiculously awesome octopus sculpture that he somehow fashioned with its tentacles wrapped realistically around a spherical glass candle holder. Honestly, it was one of the coolest things anyone has ever given me. And I loved it. It was going to be the centerpiece of our new bathroom's decor. And all that is left of it now is a pile of broken octopus arms and shards of glass.

Several candle glasses, jars, and flower pots were also reduced to rubble in the move. I had to keep reminding myself that it is just stuff. Just stuff. It is not my treasure, or my comfort.

But that mantra combined with my already anxious state made me inclined to roll our garbage dumpster up to the back door and just start throwing EVERYTHING out. To hold each and every item as it came out of the box and give it this test:

1. Is it beautiful?
2. Is it useful?
3. Would I miss it within 1 year?

I might actually do this. Room by room. I'll let you know. We have a boat-load of stuff that I do not think could possibly pass. My heart twisted up in sadness when I saw those things had been ruined. But honestly, I didn't lose any sleep. I bet dozens of other things (hundreds?) could meet the same fate without any lasting impact on my life. There are only a few things that I would truly grieve. Maybe that will be my next post. I'll make my "What would you grab if your house was on fire" list. Could help force this purge plan into focus, yes?

Why didn't we do this purge before we spent almost $3K to move a big truck full of stuff across the country?

Lessons learned.