This has been the fastest, longest year of my life. There are 525,600 minutes in a year, and this is how I have spent the minutes that made up the last twelve months:
- 500,000 minutes attempting to convince Pia to eat or sleep
- 600 minutes sleeping
- 25,000 minutes oscillating among the following emotional states - Amazement, Joy, Boredom, Anxiety, Despair, and Pride. With a nice melty layer of Love & Bone Crushing Exhaustion covering over everything. Nothing else. There hasn't been any room or energy for anything but these feelings and thoughts related to these feelings.
Political soapboxes, spiritual epiphanies, intellectual pursuits, creative endeavors? Nope. Not really. I have to rally enough brain cells to go to work five days a week, but emotionally, I'm still in one or more of those 6 states all work day.
We have survived this year of sub-human sleeplessness. That has been the hardest part, hands down. A lot of Baby Life has been really incredible. How fast a little helpless nugget starts to dazzle you with her growing brain and body. She is quickly morphing into an opinionated, mobile, verbal, amazing little person. Thank God! And Oh Crap!
And I sit tonight in wonder at all that God has done in our family this year, and all the ways my life has changed profoundly and permanently. This first year of motherhood has sharpened the edges of my shortcomings and dredged them up to the surface. Les and I are supposed to be models of God's love to Pia and show her examples of two adults who model their own words and actions after Jesus. Whoa. We've got some work to do. Not only do we have new motivation to get our personal, spiritual house in order, all of a sudden, we have to actually start to "parent" intentionally. She's watching and listening and sponging it all up. There's nothing like a wee girl beginning to mimic everything you do and chirp the tune of everything you say to inspire you to make some changes. We talked about this stuff before we had Pia, but we haven't (still haven't!) really put our money where our mouths are. Probably because we still feel like we are still in Survival Mode, what with the no sleeping and all.
But I'm making it sound worse than this year has actually felt.
There is NOTHING like feeling your beaming baby fling herself into your open arms as she toddles a few eager steps towards you. And baby giggles? I'm already sad that her laugh sounds so much more grown up now. But I am thrilled that Pia is moving on from the infant stage to the toddler stage. I love being able to interact with her in so many new ways. Watching her learn something new will never get old. The look on her face the first time she clutched the wooden knob and slid the chunky puzzle piece into the puzzle and realized that it fit? Incredible. And though Auggie is less excited about her winning combination of mobility and determination, so far I find her precociousness completely endearing.
There is NOTHING like feeling your beaming baby fling herself into your open arms as she toddles a few eager steps towards you. And baby giggles? I'm already sad that her laugh sounds so much more grown up now. But I am thrilled that Pia is moving on from the infant stage to the toddler stage. I love being able to interact with her in so many new ways. Watching her learn something new will never get old. The look on her face the first time she clutched the wooden knob and slid the chunky puzzle piece into the puzzle and realized that it fit? Incredible. And though Auggie is less excited about her winning combination of mobility and determination, so far I find her precociousness completely endearing.
Before Les and I decided we wanted to add a kiddo to our family, I was hung up on my fear that I was just not "a baby person". Never one to lunge eagerly towards other people's babies, or swoon with delight in a baby boutique, or smile at the amusing yarns of poop and barf and screaming and impossibly long nights, I figured it may be best to leave the mothering of infants to the more enthusiastic baby mommas.
I remember telling my mom when I was in college that I probably should never have a baby, because I had no deep internal drive to mother an infant like so many of my friends expressed. And she, in her wisdom, reminded me that babies are only babies for a little while, and some people who are just so excited to have A Baby forget that babies very quickly grow into Kids and then Teenagers and then Adults. Those words gave me comfort then, and now, as I see Pia standing up to toddle out of the baby stage.
Because it turns out I was kind of right. I'm probably not what you would call "a baby person". I am, however, an ardent and enthusiastic Pia Person.
The moment she was born, she looked right at me with her huge brown eyes and shook her tiny clenched fists, and I knew her name would be Olympia. The frilly, soft, more feminine names we were considering would not do. And now that she's showing us more and more of her personality, I can see her Grandpa Scott's mischievous smirk and her daddy's ability to learn something so quickly, you dare not blink. It's terrific and terrifying.
This has been a hard year, physically and emotionally. Thankfully, we have not been muddling through alone. We have the most amazing Tribe of friends and family, and God has been alongside us. Bono was once asked in an interview "What drives you? What gets you out of bed in the morning?" and he replied "Bourbon. Just kidding! The Holy Spirit. That's really all there is." That's what this year has felt like. "Jill, how do you get out of bed every morning when you've been up 6 times with a sleepless baby?"... "Half Caff Coffee, and the Holy Spirit. That's really all there is."
Happiest of birthdays, little Miss. We love you more than we could have imagined. We cannot wait to see what the next years hold. (Hopefully, more sleep!)
The moment she was born, she looked right at me with her huge brown eyes and shook her tiny clenched fists, and I knew her name would be Olympia. The frilly, soft, more feminine names we were considering would not do. And now that she's showing us more and more of her personality, I can see her Grandpa Scott's mischievous smirk and her daddy's ability to learn something so quickly, you dare not blink. It's terrific and terrifying.
This has been a hard year, physically and emotionally. Thankfully, we have not been muddling through alone. We have the most amazing Tribe of friends and family, and God has been alongside us. Bono was once asked in an interview "What drives you? What gets you out of bed in the morning?" and he replied "Bourbon. Just kidding! The Holy Spirit. That's really all there is." That's what this year has felt like. "Jill, how do you get out of bed every morning when you've been up 6 times with a sleepless baby?"... "Half Caff Coffee, and the Holy Spirit. That's really all there is."
Happiest of birthdays, little Miss. We love you more than we could have imagined. We cannot wait to see what the next years hold. (Hopefully, more sleep!)
